CareerMama℠

One of my readers recently asked me for some advice about whether or not she should try to break into her dream career or have children first. It is a question many women have asked themselves, especially when the prospect of finding the optimal job is so dim. On one hand, you want to keep site of your dreams and ambitions as they relate to your career and your long-term self-interest, yet on the other hand you want to keep alive your short-term goal of having children. Perhaps a bit of my background and experience will help to put this into context.

I have worked in my chosen career for about 12 years. When I turned 34, my husband and I decided it was time to start a family. I had my first child at age 35, and I took 3 months off to be with him.  Organizational changes, changes in management, and a perception that a new mother could not put in a full day’s work caused me to leave the company not long after returning from maternity leave. I went to work for a different company, and at age 37, I had my second child. Because of complications with the pregnancy, I had to go on a quasi-bed rest. This time I took six weeks off for maternity leave and then worked an additional month from my home office. Much like the first time, there were concerns that I would not be able to perform at a 100% level with a toddler and a newborn at home, even with a full-time nanny. I attempted to address these concerns, but again, to no avail.

The lesson I learned from these experiences (and similar experiences expressed by other careermamas) is that many employers have a difficult time managing women of childbearing age, specifically with respect to pregnancy, maternity leave, and returning to work. There are a few companies out there that are very good with flexible schedules and are truly family-friendly. Unfortunately, many companies that say they are family-friendly are not. So, it behooves you as soon as possible to identify your long-term goals within your company and whether having children will be an obstacle to your attaining those goals. Periodically engage in open discussions, prior to and during your employment, with other employees, with your immediate manager, and with other members of the management team. At minimum, this will give you a sense as to whether the company is truly family-friendly.

A woman in her 20’s or early 30’s may have several years she can dedicate to breaking into her chosen career before deciding to have children, keeping in mind the narrowing window of opportunity to physically have children. This approach could help a woman establish herself within a company, proving her work ethic and building a relationship with her manager that would better enable her to negotiate maternity leave and a more flexible return to work schedule. Hopefully, the relationship you build with your employer will afford you the ability to take the time off you need, without stressing over whether or not you will have a job upon your return or whether the company’s expectations for you will have changed.

Of course, since the job market is so poor right now, this could be the perfect time to have children. Unless you really need the money, I would not recommend settling for a job you know you would hate and that would not advance you in your chosen career. I know a number of careermamas who decided, for financial reasons, to stay at home with their children rather than have a job just to pay for child care. Many women decide to enter the workforce, in order to pay down their large student loans (I have been there, and I understand the need to escape a heavy debt burden.) However, working full-time may not allow you the amount of time you wish to spend with your children. There is the option to do some contract or part-time work, which might keep you in your chosen career, allowing you to pay down your school debt and provide you the flexibility to be with your child. Aside from being flexible, contract work can also be very lucrative. Many organizations, in order to avoid the high cost of hiring a full-time employee, will seek out those who are willing to work on a contract basis and will often pay contract workers a higher hourly rate.

One thing is certain: unless you have the means, you will never be financially “ready” to have a child. So, I wouldn’t recommend making a decision based solely on finances. The real question is what is most important for you right now, given your long-term interests.

For me, it came down to my age. My husband and I knew we wanted to have two children, and I wanted to have my second child before I turned 38. So, as impersonal as it sounds, we backed into the year I needed to get pregnant. We also had debt and concerns about finances, but we knew that, given the state of our careers, we would find a way to make it work. Having open and honest discussions with your spouse or partner is imperative to making this important of a decision. Yet, even though it is necessary to have your spouse’s or partner’s full support, you, as the person directly facing the physical and psychological toll of childbirth, will ultimately be the one who has to be happy with the decision…

As you venture back into the office after maternity leave, you may find yourself in a bit of a quandary in the wardrobe department. Even though you vow that you will lose every bit of that pregnancy weight by the time your baby is six months old (an ambitious goal, indeed), you still have to figure out what you are going to wear between now and then. You probably have at least four different sizes of clothing in your closet, chronicling your trip (or trips) up and down the pregnancy ladder. Tackling this problem is not easy.

Many of the moms I have talked to fit into one of the following three categories (although some do fit into more than one):

·     The Stubbornly: Those who firmly refuse to purchase any new clothing, thinking this will motivate them to lose weight faster. Therefore, they simply decide to wear all the maternity and larger sized clothes they already have in their closet and hope that accessories will disguise their somewhat ill-fitting apparel;

·     The Clean Slaters: Moms who burn every bit of maternity and larger sized clothes (or give them away) and buy a whole new wardrobe in the smallest size they can get away with; and

·     The Mercurial: These are the mommies who are vehemently against purchasing any new clothing until they instantly fall in love with the season’s latest trend and simply must add it to their wardrobe, regardless of their current size.

What I find similar about all three categories is how desperate new moms, or moms who have just had a second or subsequent child, are to revert back to their pre-pregnancy physical state. Many of us do not want to look like we have just had a baby when we return to work. We, even the veteran mommies, forget that it takes nine months to a year for our bodies to recover from the trauma caused by carrying around such a heavy load. During the pregnancy classes I took while I was pregnant with my first child, the instructor displayed a picture of what our insides look like when we are eight months pregnant. You cannot go from having all of your organs shoved up to one side of your body to fitting into your skinny jeans in just a few months. Even if you do lose all of your baby weight in record time, your bones, muscles, and organs have to catch up. No amount of exercise will make your internal organs return any faster to their previous position.

If you are returning to the same job you had before you went on leave, you have the benefit of not having to explain why you are carrying around this extra weight and wearing clothes that look suspiciously like maternity clothes. Most of your co-workers will be kind and give you compliments on the lovely necklace you are wearing, and neglect to mention that your blouse may have been washed one too many times (especially if you fit into the Stubbornly category). But, if you are starting fresh at a new company, you may feel compelled to quickly put up photos of your darling little baby, thus removing any doubt that the extra weight you are carrying is a result of “just” having a child.

 We are the harshest judges of our physical appearance. It is stressful enough to return to work or start a new job without worrying about how we are going to lose the baby weight, how we look to other people, how we should avoid the constant barrage of tasty treats people bring to the office, and how quickly can we return to wearing our beloved skinny jeans. Trust me, we care far more about this than our co-workers. If going out and buying some new clothes, shoes, or accessories makes you feel better, go for it. If you are happy with what you have, that is great too. When it comes down to it you are dressing for yourself, so wear whatever makes you happy.

I recently read an article in the Wall Street Journal in which the former Chairman of General Electric (GE), Jack Welch, was interviewed about his views on work-life balance. His opening comments were, “There’s no such thing as work-life balance. . . .There are work-life choices, and you make them, and they have consequences.” Welch also stated that those women who take time off for family could be passed over for promotions if “you’re not there in the clutch”. I touched on this in an article called Keeping Up The Pace, in which I talked about moms who believed that they were not given a deserved promotion because they had families and therefore did not have the free time to bond with their co-workers. Unfortunately, many working moms have suffered the same treatment. Now, new fuel has been added to the work-life debate that has been raging like wildfire for decades. I agree wholeheartedly that there is no such thing as work-life balance, for two reasons: 1) Working moms are often regarded as employees who are unable to perform certain tasks because of the perception that they have less available time and energy than their childless peers; and 2) The term “work-life balance” does not accurately describe the interweaving of a working mom’s career with her personal life. 

I believe Mr. Welch’s main reason for voicing his opinion on this contentious subject is to bring more focus on an issue that working moms have been struggling with ever since they entered the workforce: the gender gap in wages and the pay gap between working moms and their childless peers. As a mom in the workforce, I have witnessed women falling victim to both gaps and have seen employers who were reluctant to give mothers and women of childbearing age extra projects, high profile clients, or additional sales territory. According to one study, the wage gap between mothers and their childless peers is actually greater than the gap between women and men. I am thankful that Jack Welch made these comments, because they bring to light the challenges facing many working moms.

Women in the workplace who choose to have a family are making the decision to put other things on hold while they take the necessary time to nurture their child(ren). They know they could be passed over for a promotion because their employer may assume they cannot put in the time necessary for a higher-ranking position or for a position that requires a significant amount of travel. I believe this flawed thinking, by employers, comes from years of adhering to the typical nine-to-five work day in an office and does not take into account the abundance of tools an employee can utilize to get her job done efficiently and effectively. With today’s technology and the option to implement flexible work schedules, companies can create a more accommodating and family friendly environment, enabling them to attract and retain the most qualified employees. Moms in the workplace can also do more to understand the difficult situation in which management might find themselves. For example, a woman who is eight months pregnant should not expect to be given a promotion to a managerial position unless the new managerial responsibilities do not take effect until sometime after she returns from maternity leave. We CareerMamas need to appreciate the fact that managers are paid to make sure their division or business unit runs smoothly and positively affects the company’s bottom line. Therefore, they must sometimes make tough decisions when determining which of their direct reports is the best candidate for additional projects or expansion of job responsibilities. To make the appropriate choice, they will need to take a variety of things into consideration, such as the length of time it might take to complete a project, the amount of resources to allocate, the nature of the customer, the company’s current financial position, et al. Clearly, both sides need to work together to solve problems caused by misconceptions, hard feelings, and years of inflexible internal business practices.

The second reason I agree with Mr. Welch is that “work-life balance” is not the appropriate term. According to a Best in 2008 poll conducted by the Sloan Work and Family Research Network, the working public still prefers to describe the way their careers intermingle with their personal lives as “work-life balance”. Coming in second place was “work-life integration”, a term I prefer to use.

In an article in BusinessWeek, entitled Work-Life Balance vs. Work-Life Integration, the author explores the terminology of work-life balance and whether or not it is a bit misleading. She discovers that the term “work-life balance” is more prevalent in corporate America, but there are successful organizations like Cisco that prefer the term “work-life integration” and even use that term on the company’s website. I believe there is a correlation between Cisco’s focus on work-life integration (and all that entails) and it being listed as the number six company on Fortune Magazine’s “Best Companies To Work For”. Thinking in terms of integrating a working mother’s many roles and responsibilities, rather than it being a balancing act, leads to more flexibility. It is this kind of consideration that allows a mom to occasionally work from home, simultaneously giving her more hours in the day for work (which is good for the company) and the ability to take her child to school in the morning (which is good for the mom).  This type of flexible environment is very healthy for an organization and the morale of the employee population. “Family friendly” employers know there is no distinct dividing line that separates our “work” time with our “everything else” time. We keep pictures of our children on our desks, we make doctor’s appointments while at the office, we attend company picnics with our families, we leave in the middle of the day to take our children to the doctor, or leave early to relieve our child’s caregiver. Likewise, we often wrap up a few work-related items after our children go to bed so that we are not scrambling in the morning for an early meeting. And on occasion (depending upon our role within the company), we may do a bit of work on the weekend.

All the things that we do - all the things that make up our lives - sort of weave in and out of each other, without an easily distinguishable line separating them. Our career is an integral part of our lives. It provides us with an avenue to be productive, and the resources to provide for our families. It is one of all the integrated components that make up our lives. I have never met a mother who was successful at keeping all things work-related away from her home and family. Likewise, I don’t know any moms who would attempt to or wish to keep all or part of her personal life away from the office. I cannot image an office bereft of family photos or one that does not tolerate employees sharing funny stories about their children. This is why I prefer to say work and life concerns are integrated with each other rather than being juggled around or balanced. Perhaps Jack Welch’s provocative comments will strike a chord, and moms in the workforce and companies will rethink how they describe the interweaving of careers and personal lives.

How do you define the integration of your career, motherhood, being a wife, and everything else in between?

Like many moms before me, I was happily going about life with my husband and my 21 month old son, thinking things were going rather well. My son was well on his way to being potty trained, he ate what we ate, he was loving school, and he could be left alone to play for short periods of time. And like many moms before me I was lulled into a false sense regarding the increase in workload I would have to take on to raise another child, given the temperament of my firstborn and the demands of my career. After all, I already owned all the baby essentials (e.g. furniture, clothing, and baby bottles) and I had experienced pregnancy, birth, and caring for a newborn. With one child, I found going on business trips, attending conferences, and going on an occasional vacation to be relatively painless. Being the experienced mom that I was, I certainly expected an additional workload with the birth of another child, but one that was relatively manageable. Boy was I wrong!

I did not fully appreciate the extent to which a second pregnancy would affect my somewhat integrated life. I completely underestimated how my rotund 8^th month pregnant belly would hinder my caring for my 2 year old son, and I had somehow forgotten how difficult it would be to perform simple tasks like walking from the parking lot to my office everyday and sitting through long business meetings. My mommy amnesia was in full swing. I also didn’t realize how much it would bother me not to be able to pick up, cuddle, and run around with my son. I had not really considered how my son would react when I no longer had a lap in which he could sit, or that I could no longer bathe him due to my huge belly. Then there were the matters of developing a maternity leave plan, a birth plan, and arranging for someone to care for my child while I was in the hospital. Preparing for a stay at the hospital, while having contractions and attempting to hide anxiety from your first born, can be very difficult indeed. Therefore, you want to ensure that all work-related issues have been dealt with as far in advance as possible, so you can concentrate on yourself and your family.

With respect to a maternity leave plan, if you choose to work up to delivery day, you also have to remember to tell your employer that you are officially “on leave” when you go into labor (assuming you go into labor during business hours). I was so determined to try and keep a sense of normalcy that on the day I was admitted to the hospital, I actually worked during the day and that night read to my son his favorite bedtime stories, pausing every 5 minutes or so to have a painful contraction. I am still kicking myself for working during labor and for not accepting my husband’s offer to care for our son (Superwoman strikes again). Along with making sure your bag is packed and in the car, ensuring your older child will be cared for, and notifying your employer that you are no longer available for work, you also have to remember to take care of yourself and get some rest. I failed to get enough rest the second time around, which is something I later regretted.  

The early days of having a second child are fairly blissful. I remember texting and emailing from my phone that I was in labor and later that I had delivered my daughter and all was well (I do love my tools). I also remember responding to a couple of work emails I received from clients who had not yet received the birth announcement. I cherished the calm and happiness of the honeymoon period: the time you are in the hospital with a team of nurses at your disposal, with any number of other medical professionals ready to assist you; the medication that makes you feel no pain; the food prepared for you whenever you want it (albeit not the best tasting food); no expectations from work; and someone else caring for your older child. Many a time have I wished I could snap my fingers and have all those things taken care of for me again, even if just for one night.

The early days of being a mother of two are not too terribly bad. You probably have relatives and/or friends staying with you and (hopefully) assisting with the care of your children so you can get some rest, take a shower, get a bite to eat, and perhaps even read or watch some TV. Your older child will probably spend much of the time watching in fascination the new addition to the family and loving all the extra attention he is getting from friends and relatives. It isn’t until your eldest realizes that this new baby is not a temporary addition to the family, and that he won’t continue to receive all this wonderful attention, that it all hits the fan. This is when you know the honeymoon period is officially over. Shortly after your family and friends leave you will begin to notice the subtle changes in your older child’s behavior. While you are caring for a very needy newborn, your older child will begin regressing and competing for your attention.

After a few weeks of dealing with two kids and worrying about how on earth you are going to have time to do your “other” job, you may be rethinking the amount of time you chose to stay home with your new baby. Time flies when you are not getting any sleep. This is why a clear maternity leave plan is so important, and why you need to do as much research as you can before you commit to a specific amount of time off. FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) requires employers with 50 employees or more to provide up to a total of twelve workweeks of unpaid leave. Companies with fewer than 50 employees do not fall within FMLA requirements. No matter what length of time you think you will need, it is wise to enroll in an STD (Short Term Disability) plan and start saving money as soon as you learn you are pregnant. It is possible to save up enough money to get you through however long a period you wish to be out. It just requires some planning and discipline on your part.

One of the bigger issues during leave is who handles your workload while you are out and how it will be handled. It’s hard enough to try and do a bit of work here and there when you have one child, but it is impossible to do it when you have a newborn and a toddler. Therefore, it is extremely important to be realistic about what you will physically and mentally be able to handle, and how soon you will be able to handle it. I can cite my experiences as an example. I took three months off after I had my first child and took six weeks off after having my second. In hindsight, I know my body and my mind needed more than the six weeks I took off after delivering my second child.

When you have one child, your spouse or partner can take the baby off your hands every now and then and give you a break. When you have two of them in the house, you still have to do something with the older child even when you get a break from the baby. You will no doubt end up spending that “free” time with your older child so he doesn’t feel left out. So, what time does that leave for you to recuperate? Remember that you have agreed to return to work after a certain period of time, and your employer will be expecting you back. Of course, all will expect you need a bit of ramp up time, but you will eventually need to be working at your previous or higher level of performance. I received a great comment from another mom who said the best advice she ever received was to take the amount of maternity leave she took with her first child and add at least two weeks to it for the second or subsequent child. This is sound advice from a veteran mother.

Part of the challenge of having two children is that the older child and the baby are going through very different developmental stages. If you have children 2-3 years apart then you will have a toddler going through the terrible 2’s or 3’s while you have a baby that won’t let you sleep. There is no amount of caffeine that can de-fog your mind when, after having only four hours of sleep, you have to fight with your toddler about what he is going to have for breakfast, what he’s going to wear for the day, or in what order he wishes to do things that morning. The terrible 3’s are bad enough on their own, but they make you want to rip your hair out when you’ve been up all night with a baby and then drive halfway to work before realizing you left your laptop at home. These are the times when you start wishing you could either clone yourself or grow an extra pair of arms. I have lost count of the number of times my husband and I have asked each other, “What were we thinking?” The increase in work is so well known that a friend of mine who has twin girls told me, “You singleton moms are crazy to have a second child. You have to go through every stage all over again!”

Just when you have gotten used to the idea of being a mother of two and you think you have a handle on it, you have to go back to work. Luckily, the first few days back to work are not so bad. Most of us spend a good bit of time showing photos, talking about the baby and the delivery, and generally getting reacquainted with the office and our co-workers. We welcome with open arms the much needed interaction with other adults and the ability to get a cup of coffee anytime we want one. As we get back into the swing of things, we find there are many different ways to get the same amount of work done as we did before. We begin to build upon the efficiencies we learned after having our first child, and we are amazed at our ability to identify and prioritize the crucial work that needs to be done and our ability to leave the nonessential stuff for later. We just have to remind ourselves that it does get easier. As much as it is quadruple the work, it is also quadruple the fun. The joy of watching your oldest child act silly just to try and get the baby to smile. Or, the way the baby’s face simply lights up every time she sees her older sibling.

Every time I feel worn down and wonder why I would purposely create so much work for myself by having another baby, I think about the fleeting nature of early childhood and the necessity to appreciate and enjoy each moment.

Do you have stories you would like to share? How do you keep up with two kids, work, the house, and everything else a busy mom has to do?

Like millions of other Americans, I have recently been laid off (no, I was not Dooced). There are pros and cons to being temporarily unemployed. The benefits include taking my son to school (allowing me to get to know other moms and the operations of the school); spending more time with my baby girl; doing the things around the house I’ve never had time to address; creating CareerMama℠; and introspecting about my career plans. The most obvious cost is the lack of a paycheck. Other costs are missing the excitement of working with a team to make an organization profitable, the thrill (and stress) of sales and business development, and the daily adult interaction on topics that are totally unrelated to diapers and potty training.

Within the parent community at my son’s school, I’ve had the opportunity to network with a lot of stay-at-home moms and a few moms who are now looking for work. Attending birthday parties, school functions, and play dates give me the opportunity to build relationships that could turn into long-lasting friendships for my children and me.

Networking with professionals is not totally unlike networking with parents. In both cases you want to make a good first impression, and in both cases you might be a bit nervous to meet new people. Of course, when you attend professional networking events, you are looking for someone who will ultimately employ you. Such events can be very stressful if you have not attended them in a while or have only attended a few in your career. It can be especially hard if you have been working for the same company for a while and haven’t had the opportunity to hone your networking skills. As someone who is involved in sales and business development I have attended many events, but I am always nervous about meeting new people and presenting myself in the right way (especially when I am meeting potential employers).

I recall driving to a recent networking event with a lump in my throat, wondering if I was going to meet my future employer that night. I remember thinking, “What am I going to say when I get to actually talk to the person with whom I most wish to speak?” When you are in a sales role or work for a smaller company, you have to know the company’s elevator pitch. Likewise, when you are looking for a job, you have to be ready with an elevator pitch about yourself. If you are out of work, you will inevitably hear the same question over and over, “So, what do you want to do now?” You are probably thinking, “Anything but look for another job”, but you have to answer that question. You’ll get similar questions when networking with other moms. You don’t want to seem wishy-washy, as you never know whom that person might know. Doing some introspection and becoming knowledgeable about companies in your preferred industry will help you with your “pitch”.

Trying to stay focused at networking events can also be difficult. You will most likely have arranged to have your spouse, partner, or babysitter watch your children. You have to have intelligible conversations with people and keep your focus. It is hard to resist entertaining momentary thoughts about your kids: what are they doing, did someone have an accident, are they being fed properly, did they go down to sleep without a fuss? While mingling and making small talk, you are tempted to check your phone every now and then to see if you have a missed call or a text message, especially since you often can’t hear the phone ring feel it vibrating. It can be difficult, but you must try and concentrate on the task at hand and not worry about whether or not your spouse, partner, or babysitter remembered to put a nighttime diaper on your baby. (Others will probably notice the physical signs of your drifting off to Kidsville.) I am generally able to regain focus by reminding myself that my full attention is necessary if I am going to be able to pay for all the bills those adorable children (and I) generate.

If you have a young baby, you have the added stress of those crazy hormones that cause you to be an emotional wreck. It may be a good idea to abstain from drinking at these events, as you never know what you might say or do when you are completely plastered after half of a glass of wine. And what do you wear when you are in between sizes? How do you come across as confident if you are unhappy with your appearance? Do you invest in a makeover? Do you splurge and buy a “networking” suit? Given today’s economy, there is a bigger pool of people looking for fewer available jobs, so these niceties are important things to consider before you dive in. You definitely don’t want to be preoccupied at the event with the way your hair looks or spend all night futzing with an ill-fitting dress.

You also want to be as knowledgeable as possible on the companies attending and/or sponsoring the events. If you are lucky enough that your conversation goes beyond small talk, you may enter into a discussion that employers use to weed out the people who would not interest them. In that case, you’ll need to be ready to discuss what role you want to play and how you can help that company succeed. Potential employers seem to be a bit more skeptical about the reasons a prospective employee might wish to work for their organization, as many have been burned by poor hiring decisions in the past. Most companies are also affected by shrinking budgets, so they have to be much more careful when making their hiring decision. It is interesting, however, that it seems to be the exact opposite at personal networking events. Perhaps the success of Twitter and Facebook has regenerated interest in personal networking. Maybe many of us are unemployed and have more time to network online, and/or we just don’t want to feel socially isolated during hard times.

If you have the chance to discuss employment opportunities in more detail, or if you are able to arrange a follow-up meeting with a potential employer, here are some things you’ll want to keep in mind:

-How much travel would I be expected to do (translation: how much time do you expect me to spend away from my family)?

-Is the office close enough that I can still drop off my child(ren) at school?

-Will this employer be OK with a flexible working arrangement?

-Even though I have already started economizing, what is the lowest salary I can accept and still afford the essentials such as school, the nanny, day care, etc? Employers are not as willing to part with their money as they were a year ago.

-Am I overqualified for this position? Employers are wary of overqualified candidates. They may be able to hire an overly qualified applicant for a much smaller salary than before, but the last thing they want is to hire someone, only to have her quit six months later after she finds a job that really meets her skill set. Be sure you are not going after a job just to have a job. Potential employers can spot this type of candidate a mile away.

-If you are not already using it, get an account on LinkedIn and keep it current. LinkedIn is marvelous for business networking, which probably explains why so many recruiters use it as a recruiting tool. What are some of the things you do to prepare for a networking event? Are there specific websites or online groups you prefer?

Or Mommy Angst (aka Baby Withdrawal)

A friend of mine, who does not have children, asked me to explain “mommy guilt”. I have to admit this is a difficult subject to discuss without a common frame of reference. It is also difficult because I have never really liked the term “mommy guilt”. But, on behalf of all the CareerMamas out there and for the benefit of those who do not have children, soon-to-be mothers, and men, I will give it my best shot.

The bond you form with your children is unlike any other bond you may form with another person. It is not stronger than the bond you form with your spouse or partner; it is just different. It begins well before you see your baby, which is an amazing experience. When your baby is born, you realize just how fragile he is and that he is completely dependent upon you for nourishment, comfort, and protection. When you and your baby see each other for the first time, when your baby is in what has been called a state of quiet alertness, you make a vow then and there to do everything in your power to support, care, and protect your child. Many of us think this means we can never let the baby out of our sight. I’ve talked to a number of moms who, desperate for some rest after delivering their baby, attempted to sleep in the hospital while trained nurses cared for their newborn baby. However, they were unable to part with them out of fear the baby would stop breathing if they were not watching them. I tried this after I delivered my son. No more than 10 minutes went by before I was out of bed and wandering around the maternity ward frantically searching for my baby boy. Three years and another baby later, I am still kicking myself for not taking advantage of the nurses at my disposal and getting the rest when I had a chance. So, did I have the nurses watch my daughter after I delivered her? No, of course not. A mother has a psychological and physical need to see and hold her baby. Therefore, the prospect of not seeing and holding her newborn for any great length of time can really frighten a new mom.

For my career, I have to do a bit of traveling. I waited until my son was 6 months old, however, before going on the road again. Even then, it was very difficult to leave him. With my daughter, I only waited 4 months before going on a business trip, which was only a day trip. On the way back home, my scheduled flight was canceled. I then discovered that some of the remaining flights were double booked (of course), that there was an eruption of an Alaskan volcano (causing the grounding of planes in that state), and that mechanical failure knocked out the remainder of potentially available planes. So, I was one of many tired and grumpy people at the airport who now had to attempt to get home by flying standby on another plane or airline. I was supposed to leave at 5:30pm, which means that I would have been home in time to give my son a good night kiss and give my daughter her last feeding. But, that ideal scenario flew out the window when I discovered that not only would I not be able make the 9pm flight, but I would be lucky to make the 10pm flight and would probably have to stay the night. What happened then can only be described as an anxiety attack. I had to do everything I could not to ball my eyes out at the prospect of not being with my 4-month-old daughter that night.

My situation that night is not unique. I’m sure many CareerMamas have experienced something similar and understand the pain I went through. We sit at the airport and try to read or work or do something to take our minds off of how awful we feel. We admonish ourselves for going on a business trip this early in our baby’s life and envision our baby looking around for us and crying inconsolably for his mommy. This situation is even worse if you are breastfeeding. Just ask any breastfeeding mom what happens when she thinks about her baby. You feel as though you are going to explode or you lactate all over the place (hopefully you remembered your breast pads), or both. So, not only are you feeling guilty for not being available to hold and console your child, but also your body aches because you desperately need to breastfeed her or pump. Such is the bond with your child that it affects you mentally and physically. The baby needs you, but you need the baby too. This is why I say I am not so fond of the term “mommy guilt”. Guilt is defined as the fact of having committed an offense or crime and a feeling of having done something wrong or failed in an obligation. Unless she has abused her child in some way, a mother does not deserve to have the burden of guilt placed upon her shoulders. There is a certain amount of stress and anxiety moms feel about not being around 24/7; this is typically how moms experience “guilt”. But this uneasy feeling is much more than that. Maybe “baby withdrawal” would be a more appropriate way to describe the feeling you get when you can’t be with your child much of the day.

Then there’s the other side of the coin. There’s the guilt you feel at work, when you face the prospect of your co-workers believing that you are not working as much as you used to when you didn’t have children. If you have ever rolled your eyes at a co-worker who has to leave early to take her child to the doctor, you recognize that look the instant someone else looks at you that way. I can remember female co-workers making snide comments about women who had to take a day off because their child was sick, their caregiver was unavailable, or they had to leave early to pick their child up from school because he had a fever. Those same co-workers now have children of their own and know exactly what those women were going through. Even though we, as CareerMamas, made a conscious choice to have kids and thus should not feel guilty about caring for them, we still worry that motherhood will affect our career.

Becoming Superwoman results from the combination of the guilt (or baby withdrawal) you feel by not being with your baby throughout much of the day and for not devoting more than eight hours a day to your job. This is a role that we all seem to adopt; yet one we know we should not assume.

Tell me how you define “mommy guilt”. Would you call it something else, like “mommy angst” or “baby withdrawal”?

“What do you think about going out for dinner?”

“Let’s go see a movie tonight!”

 “How about catching a ballgame?”

Before you had a baby, you could spontaneously go on trips, enjoy a late night dinner, and hit the gym at 8 p.m. Once you assume responsibility for a child, you no longer have these luxuries.  This may not seem to be a big deal during the first few months of your baby’s life (the fourth trimester), when you’re spending all of your “free” time sleeping, eating, or (if you are lucky) taking a shower. But, when your baby gets a bit older and you are starting to break out of the fog, you long for the old days of dinner out at a moment’s notice, a date with your spouse or partner, and even just going out to grab a coffee.  You notice how your friends (who either don’t have kids or have older kids) get to do all sorts of things you don’t get to do. You reminisce about times past, telling your spouse, “Remember when we could just jump in the car and go?”

It was right about the time my son turned 6 months old (and again when my daughter turned 6 months old) that I was asking these same questions. I looked wistfully at other couples who had older children, and wishing I could fast forward to a time when both my children were walking, feeding themselves, and toilet trained. I also remembered trying to do things with friends who either didn’t have children or whose kids were older, and being unable to keep up the pace.  When you reach this stage, you can have a little temper tantrum (something I am ashamed to admit doing), or you can calmly reassess the value of these things in your life right now. This reassessment was much easier after my daughter was born, as I had gone through it before, and I knew it was coming. After my son was born, however, it took me completely by surprise.

A significant number of my friends were also my co-workers, with whom I spent a fair amount of time after work and on the weekends. So, before I had children, I was free to meet co-workers after work at a bar, for a baseball game, or to watch an early morning soccer match at a local Irish pub. Because of this freedom, I developed a close bond with a number of my co-workers. I never really wondered how my co-workers with young children were spending their time.

When my daughter was born, I only had one co-worker with young children. New moms are generally sensitive to the fact that their single or non-parent co-workers/friends don’t want to hear them ramble on about their baby. But, if you work with other new moms or people with young children, you will have a more sympathetic audience. If you are the only one with a baby, it can be awkward for you, your co-workers, and your employer. Just as you have to reassess your values in your personal life, you also have to reassess what you value in your work life. No longer will you be able to attend all the events frequented by singles or couples without small children. For a time, this may depress you a bit. I remember feeling left out and that somehow I wasn’t going to be in line for a promotion or the next big project because I was no longer buddy-buddy with my co-workers. The truth is that in well-managed companies any advancement within your organization will be determined solely by your performance. Take comfort in this, for you will not be able to return to your previous “free” lifestyle until your children are much older. And, more importantly, you won’t want to.

After I had my little pity party, I realized that I had much more fun at home with my family. There are certain functions you need to attend, depending upon your role within the organization. But, most of the revelry will seem unimportant in comparison to watching your toddler perform a song and dance routine or your baby belt out a serious belly laugh. Once you’ve become friendlier with your parent friends and co-workers, you’ll feel more at ease with your role as a CareerMama℠. It just gets better from here. As there are some adjustments you’ll need to make in your personal life, you will also need to make adjustments in your work life. Here are a few:

-Get down to business. You might be on a flexible work schedule or working part time. In that case, you will want to keep the water cooler talk and trips to the coffee shop to a minimum. You will have fewer hours in the day to get your job done, so you will need to make the most efficient use of your time (something moms learn to do very well). Instead, consider organizing a monthly luncheon for everyone in the office or in your department. It will give everyone the opportunity to catch up with each other, and it will be during the day so co-workers with children will be able to attend. Who knows, maybe your company will pay for it. If not, a potluck works just fine.

-Bonding with parent co-workers. Give more thought to the outings your co-workers may go on. Perhaps there are weekend, kid-friendly, events you and your parent co-workers can attend together. The bonds you form with your parent co-workers (and that your children form with their children) can last long after you no longer work together.

-No regrets. Don’t dwell on what life was like before you had children and whether or not your career was impaired as a result. Most CareerMamas I know say they loved that part of their lives, but the life and career they have now is infinitely more fulfilling.

-Reconnect and stay connected. Create accounts on Facebook, LinkedIn, Meetup, and other online communities. These (and the various mommy groups on them) can help you reconnect with your old friends who may now have families of their own.

How has your life changed since you had children? Do you find it difficult to keep up with your non-parent co-workers/friends, or do you even care to try?

Mothers are well known for trying to be all things to all people. We are cooks, maids, chauffeurs, teachers, and on top of all that, many of us also have careers outside of the home. Remember that 70’s ad for Enjoli? Even back then, women were trying to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and…well, you know. So why do we feel the need to be Superwoman? We CareerMamas are so determined to do everything perfectly; we lose sight of the physical and mental toll it takes on us. As a typical type “A”, I know how difficult it can be to relinquish control. But, if you want to hold on to the last bit of sanity you have left from your trip(s) up and down the maternity ladder, you must allow others to take on some of the household and work responsibilities. 

The ability to delegate tasks is equally valuable at home and at work, and it is a vital skill employed by many successful managers and mothers. There is a significant amount of guilt felt by mothers who work away from the home. We beat ourselves up about not spending enough time with our children, and worry that the lack of time we spend with them will keep us from forming strong bonds. I remember worrying that my son would call our nanny “mommy” (something that happened to one of my co-workers). It didn’t matter how exhausted I was at the end of the day (or how much work I had yet to do); I kept our special nighttime routine of bath, books, and bedtime songs. I now have a similar nighttime routine with my daughter, which means I now rely more heavily on my husband. This has always been an issue for working moms, but in a down economy, the Superwoman complex and feelings of guilt (or angst) get significantly worse. Eventually, many of us learn to ask our spouse, partner, or older children to help us with daily household duties.

This delegation does not always carry over into our careers. We often feel the need to compensate for having children by bringing work home or pushing ourselves harder.  We need to prove that raising young kids will not harm our career. We’ll work from our children’s bedtime until the wee hours of the morning, or get up before everyone else and get a few things done before taking the kids to school. Sometimes we aggravate our spouses or partners by working in the evenings or over the weekend. We anxiously check our smart phones for any email that comes in so we can pounce on it and prove that we can take our child the doctor and still work as though we were sitting at a desk (and who expects you to do that anyway?).

Many moms push themselves too hard to do something that can wait until another day. At times I have fallen into this trap. I once negotiated an agreement (Blackberry to Blackberry) while walking through an airport with my family on the way to visit the grandparents. On another occasion I drove all over town looking for free Wi-Fi so I could send an updated agreement and then again so I could receive the signed copy before the end of the day on July 3rd. It seemed I was intent on getting myself into situations that created more stress than I could really handle, placing a physical and emotional strain on me.

Why do we do these things? We either fail to realize or don’t want to believe that it is physically impossible for us to accomplish everything we task ourselves (or have been tasked) with.  To stay mentally and physically healthy, we need to learn how to better manage our time. It has been said that the best way to manage your time is to prioritize and delegate. In a previous post (The Great Unknown), I mentioned the recommendation by Marshall Goldsmith to create a “to do” list and a “stop doing” list (or perhaps a “delegate to someone else” list). Once I had my second child, delegating to my husband was a bit easier than when I had one child, but I still had the urge to do everything. Something a good friend of mine told me finally helped me begin the process of letting go of the need to be Superwoman. She advised me that other people may not do things the way I do them, but that only means they do things differently, not poorly. For example, daddy might not bathe the kids the way you would, but they get clean and probably have a lot of fun in the process. This is also true at the office. A co-worker might not present to a client the way you would, but they can probably articulate the company’s message in a manner that could lead to a signed contract.

Pushing ourselves to do everything can lead to frustration, resentment, poor performance, and illness. Not to mention the constant guilt we feel when we are thinking of things we need to get done at work while attending to our children’s needs. When we acknowledge that we may not have the ability to complete all the tasks on our to-do list in the time we would like, and we put our trust in others to assist us, we give ourselves a chance to do the most important tasks well and keep our sanity in the process.

Here are some good ways to avoid being Superwoman:

·   Reallocate tasks. At home, work with your spouse, partner, or older children to reassign daily household duties. I often have my three-year-old son entertain my six-month-old daughter while I cook dinner. At the office, talk to your manager about the tasks that have been assigned to you. Make sure you are in agreement as to the deadlines and priority of each task.

·   Prioritize your day; delegate (or just say no) when you need to, and focus on doing your job well rather than being the perfect employee or perfect mother.

·   Keep a notebook beside your bed. When you wake up in the middle of the night with ideas for home or work, write them down and go back to sleep. I found this especially helpful in the later months of pregnancy.

I would love to hear tips, tricks, and comments from other CareerMamas, on how you let go of Superwoman.

While at a birthday party for one of my son’s classmates, I got into a discussion of sending thank you notes to the people who attended a child’s birthday party and brought gifts. We all agreed on the level of difficulty of not only thinking of the right thing to say in each thank you card and giving each one a personal touch, but also of using the correct spelling and grammar, deciding whether to write it in print or cursive, and whether the card should come from the mother or the child. I have had to throw away many a thank you card because I misspelled a word or someone’s name, or because I did not like what I wrote.  One parent asked me if sending thank you cards was something I was brought up to do, and if I ever just sent cards to say hello or provide a family update. This question prompted me to think about writing in general, and the variety of methods for correspondence.

As I have mentioned in previous posts (see The Necessity of Tools), I take advantage of technological tools to keep in touch with my friends, family, and co-workers.  I am addicted to applications like Windows Live Messenger, email, my BlackBerry, Twitter, and Facebook. These are all useful tools in personal and work life, because they provide an instant (or near instant) response, they are convenient, and they are the medium of communication for so many people. With the exception of thank you cards and holiday cards to clients and prospective clients, I have not handwritten a letter or card to anyone since I was a child. I would be greatly moved if I were to receive a handwritten letter from a friend today.

Throughout my career I have also noticed how many business people do not write well at all, whether writing in cursive, print, or with a word processor. At times I am guilty of this. The reasons for this are twofold: 1) Many people were either not taught correct grammatical or spelling skills or do not utilize the skills they were taught; and/or 2) People are in such a hurry to get their point across (and rely upon Spell Checker to catch their mistakes) that they do not take the time to make sure the recipient of their email, IM, or document will fully understand what they are trying to convey.

So, what happened to the lost art of writing? What would happen if people stopped using the usual email, IM, or online communities to send notes to each other? Based upon the few times I have sent handwritten notes, I know that it takes considerably more effort and a deeper level of personal commitment to write and edit a handwritten letter. Without the backspace key, the delete key, and Spell Checker, you have to put a great deal more thought into the message you are trying to get across. Although the handwritten letter is not conducive to the fast pace of the business world, an occasional one sent to friends or family could immeasurably improve your ability to get your point across in emails or documents, improve grammar and spelling, introduce new words, and make you think harder about how a well written document or email is a direct reflection of you as a person.

Thinking harder about what we write causes us to also think harder about what we say and how we say it. This introspection is something I try to practice in my personal life and career, as I tend to be direct and say the first thing that comes to mind (something that is not always appreciated, depending upon the audience). You will better be able to articulate your message if you slow down and give more thought to what it is you are trying to say and how you want your audience to respond. I have come up with a few ways in which people can enhance their ability to convey the right message.

·     Write handwritten thank you notes to co-workers who have helped you with a critical issue or a project.

·     If you are giving employees a bonus or a special gift, write a little note that tells them what they mean to you and the organization.

·     Instead of buying a pre-printed card at the store, buy one that is blank and write your own thank you, happy birthday, etc.

·     Write occasional letters to your parents or children expressing your thoughts on an important event or milestone. Encourage your children to write letters to you and other family members from time to time.

Do a bit of research on the best methods of improving your communication skills, and the types of personal touches you can utilize to achieve a desired response.

What tools do you utilize to improve your written and communication skills?

As a mother, I am continually reading books and blogs on the best parenting methods. As my toddler gets older and goes through new developmental stages, I try to be proactive and prepare myself (as best I can) for what might come next.  I reread my baby books, because I can’t remember what I should expect next for my baby daughter (mommy brain strikes again). There are always new warnings being posted about food allergies, vaccines, toy and equipment recalls, and new medical tests. A good example of these changes is the blood testing I did while pregnant with both children. There is only a 2-½ year span between them, but in that time, medical screening advanced from a triple screen blood test to a quad screen blood test (not to mention the vaccination for HPV and the Rotavirus). I rely on sites like Under Three for Montessori ideas, e-newsletters from Guide Your Child for application of Montessori principles to parenting, tweets from people like Rational Jenn, and a variety of books recommended by our friends and our children’s pediatrician. Like most moms, I believe it is important to continue my parenting education. As time passes, and my children’s needs change, new information surfaces that helps me to provide them with the intellectual stimulation and safe environment they need.

I try to continually educate myself in much the same way for my career. Just as I subscribe to RSS feeds from various websites and utilize Twitter to keep me in touch with a variety of baby/toddler news, I also rely upon website feeds and online magazines to keep me up-to-date with the business world, the tech world, and the startup world here in Seattle.

In a down economy, many people also go back to school or continue their education in some fashion so as to make themselves more marketable. This is evident in the rapid increase in the number of enrollments in universities and post-secondary and trade schools (http://tinyurl.com/plsfsj). Some organizations provide tuition assistance, and others create internal universities to help employees continue educating themselves in their particular fields (a benefit that can help morale when the organization has had a recent RIF or merger). However, the majority of the companies I have spoken to have cut their budgets so much that they no longer provide tuition assistance or even pay for the smallest of memberships in business associations. I’ve even heard the statement, “We can’t even buy a pencil without VP approval.”

What must you do if your organization stops paying for your memberships, magazine subscriptions, and conferences? How do you ensure you stay on top of what’s going on in your particular industry so you can continue to play a strategic role in your organization? Given the time constraints you face, due to the demands of raising children, if ever there was a time to embrace technology (specifically the internet), this is it. Just as organizations embrace video conferencing and solutions like WebEx instead of spending money on travel, CareerMamas can embrace technology to help us in our personal quest to stay on top of things without breaking the bank. There are a number of inexpensive (or free) ways to keep your finger on the pulse of the business world.

Free webinars. There are several organizations out there, like Catalyst and i4cp, who provide regular free webinars. The topics are varied, but you may find one that is germane to your role in the organization.

Online subscriptions. Instead of hard copy magazines or newspaper subscriptions, go with the online or Kindle versions. It is usually less expensive, and now you can probably get an additional discount (i.e. the WSJ Online Edition).

RSS Feeds. Take advantage of RSS feeds when they are offered (which is most of the time). A number of online magazines allow you to select the type of content you wish to receive via RSS feed. You won’t have to weed through a bunch of information in which you have no interest, and you’ll get the information you want as soon as it becomes available.

Network locally. Check out local conferences, business luncheons, seminars, trade shows, and entrepreneurial networking events. Local events are great venues for sharing ideas, meeting future clients, or even future employers.

How do you continue educating yourself on the latest in parenting and business news?